Growing up, we’re taught a bunch of useless stuff, along with some quite-as-useless guidelines that are supposed to help us become better. It’s usually the same for everyone. Be good, do good, help old people cross the street and feed the cat every once in a while. I’ll forever love and hate what the universe taught me from the very beginning: that I’ll always have to earn the smallest of things others just get. That I had to make up for my parents’ mistakes, that I had to build everything from scratch for it to actually be mine. When you’re a kid, it seems natural, everything looks as if it’s exactly the way it should. And you wake up one day, somewhere late in your miserable adulthood and understand your life does not belong to you. I had to wake up at 10, being someone I’d never thought of, with this cliched backstory, and a couple of years ahead to figure life out, to earn a family, to earn some friends, to find a way to deserve the “normal”.
Now I’m still wide awake. Time passed by, I earned my name and two or three people that know it. Yet everything I never deserved made me into what I am today. I never deserved help, so I helped as much as I was able to. I never deserved love, so I endlessly loved everyone I’ve ever met. I still long for happiness, and I still have some strength left to try and earn it. I still think it’s unfair, I still believe I’m not the only one. I still hope that someday, years from now, things will fall, for once, together. It’d be a life I wouldn’t know how to live. You can only have that much love to give, that much hope and strength to keep going. And I’m running out of them all.